Monday, November 16, 2009
Entry 38 - Separation: HEAVEN or HELL? (A review)I remembered after reading a book which I've bought months ago which I thought that I can relate myself to the story and one of the chapters is named "Separation: Heaven or Hell?". I thought that it might be applicable to me, because that is what both of us were facing and are still facing. Well of course, the outcome from the story did not come true to what I am in the present.
Frankly speaking, during the few months ago it was a total Hell for me especially I had never been through such stressful environment with this encounters. No matter what I do and no matter how much I put my efforts in, the results are still the same. I totally lost it. It is something that is beyond my control and my capabilities to turn the event or even to change the perception of the certain someone. Everything was seemed futile even though there were times when we tried and tried, but we still failed. It was like, in a situation of fighting with each other and at the same time having to struggle within ourselves. Two insane people communicating with each other. It was a combination of mental and physical challenge for me. Having to break down and go crazy every now and then, I've also lost weight and had outbreaks on my face. I guess losing sleep is part of the package as well.
There was really a moment of time when I was almost convinced that I couldn't be changed, despite the fact that I was so determined to stay as what I am today ever since that slap I was awarded. It came by as a moment of truth to me, that "No, this is not what I want. I need to wake up from it. If it's time for me to settle down, this should not be happening from tonight onwards." Well I guess it's all said and done, even though how much changes I've made and how much effort I've put in for persuasions.
Coming back to the present, which I've learnt and realised that separation may not be heaven or hell. If the daily activities that you do with your loved one are no longer available at your expenses, it is not necessary to find some other activities to "bury" yourself in or even to start to get involved in something that you normally don't do at all such as going into the kitchen to be a chef-wannabe, dig out old music albums to throw or sell, complete all projects given by your boss, etc. It's pointless because most of the time, you will either losing interest or enthusiasm in your latest past-time, or you'll simply get exhausted by focusing too much at one time. Catching up with family and old friends intentionally is pointless as well, unless your ex-boyfriend was a total control freak who chains you up in a five metres by five metres cell and only to see the sunlight twice a day, catching up is out of your own free will to do it even when you were attached.
Because by the end of the day when you are done with all your activities that you kept your mind away from thinking of, you will soon find yourself straying into the thoughts of the past, the good and of course the bad. I don't know how many methods such as by just a flick of the mind or how other people managed to do it, but I have never been to such a stage where I am willing to give up everything and anything to turn the event. I can tell myself to think of the good that we've been through together, however in my personal view, by just thinking and not doing anything doesn't improve the situation at all. Let alone when dreams enter the realm of inevitability where you cant run away from.
Then it comes to the part when the other party makes a move which you cannot comprehend, whether is it a message directed to you or is it just a passing remark that you happened to come across. It all boils down to the point if everything and anything still matters to you no matter how small the incident is, you will still be affected in one way or the other whether it's a cry from the mouth or a fart from the ass.
So during this period of separation, I really don't know how to steer myself to a clear direction of "getting my life back" because it involves not just myself depending on the goals in my life. Probably that's because most of my life goals that I can get on my own are almost accomplished. As of now, the past and the future are considered images of the mind, and the present is what truthfully clear to everybody else. It's not about what I want to do in life for future, but more about focusing on what I can improve on my current state.
We've been messed up badly and it's not up to anyone of us to conclude that separation if Heaven or Hell anymore because this is a barrier that we need to break within ourselves and for each other.
Labels: Entry 38, Review, Separation
Melvin logged this on 11/16/2009 08:30:00 PM