Entry 39 - Awake

What's surprising me is that,

My mind is awake at times not because of,

The Past that haunts us,

But the Present that makes me think what should I do,

And the Future of what will happen.

Labels: Awake, Entry 39

Entry 38 - Separation: HEAVEN or HELL? (A review)

I remembered after reading a book which I've bought months ago which I thought that I can relate myself to the story and one of the chapters is named "Separation: Heaven or Hell?". I thought that it might be applicable to me, because that is what both of us were facing and are still facing. Well of course, the outcome from the story did not come true to what I am in the present.

Frankly speaking, during the few months ago it was a total Hell for me especially I had never been through such stressful environment with this encounters. No matter what I do and no matter how much I put my efforts in, the results are still the same. I totally lost it. It is something that is beyond my control and my capabilities to turn the event or even to change the perception of the certain someone. Everything was seemed futile even though there were times when we tried and tried, but we still failed. It was like, in a situation of fighting with each other and at the same time having to struggle within ourselves. Two insane people communicating with each other. It was a combination of mental and physical challenge for me. Having to break down and go crazy every now and then, I've also lost weight and had outbreaks on my face. I guess losing sleep is part of the package as well.

There was really a moment of time when I was almost convinced that I couldn't be changed, despite the fact that I was so determined to stay as what I am today ever since that slap I was awarded. It came by as a moment of truth to me, that "No, this is not what I want. I need to wake up from it. If it's time for me to settle down, this should not be happening from tonight onwards." Well I guess it's all said and done, even though how much changes I've made and how much effort I've put in for persuasions.

Coming back to the present, which I've learnt and realised that separation may not be heaven or hell. If the daily activities that you do with your loved one are no longer available at your expenses, it is not necessary to find some other activities to "bury" yourself in or even to start to get involved in something that you normally don't do at all such as going into the kitchen to be a chef-wannabe, dig out old music albums to throw or sell, complete all projects given by your boss, etc. It's pointless because most of the time, you will either losing interest or enthusiasm in your latest past-time, or you'll simply get exhausted by focusing too much at one time. Catching up with family and old friends intentionally is pointless as well, unless your ex-boyfriend was a total control freak who chains you up in a five metres by five metres cell and only to see the sunlight twice a day, catching up is out of your own free will to do it even when you were attached.

Because by the end of the day when you are done with all your activities that you kept your mind away from thinking of, you will soon find yourself straying into the thoughts of the past, the good and of course the bad. I don't know how many methods such as by just a flick of the mind or how other people managed to do it, but I have never been to such a stage where I am willing to give up everything and anything to turn the event. I can tell myself to think of the good that we've been through together, however in my personal view, by just thinking and not doing anything doesn't improve the situation at all. Let alone when dreams enter the realm of inevitability where you cant run away from.

Then it comes to the part when the other party makes a move which you cannot comprehend, whether is it a message directed to you or is it just a passing remark that you happened to come across. It all boils down to the point if everything and anything still matters to you no matter how small the incident is, you will still be affected in one way or the other whether it's a cry from the mouth or a fart from the ass.

So during this period of separation, I really don't know how to steer myself to a clear direction of "getting my life back" because it involves not just myself depending on the goals in my life. Probably that's because most of my life goals that I can get on my own are almost accomplished. As of now, the past and the future are considered images of the mind, and the present is what truthfully clear to everybody else. It's not about what I want to do in life for future, but more about focusing on what I can improve on my current state.

We've been messed up badly and it's not up to anyone of us to conclude that separation if Heaven or Hell anymore because this is a barrier that we need to break within ourselves and for each other.

Labels: Entry 38, Review, Separation

Entry 36 - Interview Log #3

Extracts of 3rd interview with patient in asylum

Doctor M: Good Day, let's do some catching up.

Melvin: Okay.

Doctor M: What are you afraid of actually?

Melvin: What am I afraid of? Don't you have something to be afraid of? Everyone has their fears because it's instilled in everybody.

Doctor M: Not everyone has...

Melvin: Of course everyone is instilled with fear. You get married because you are afraid that you will grow old alone. You have children because you are afraid that you'll leave nothing after you die. You are afraid to do the leap of faith because you failed before. It's fear everywhere, isn't it?

Doctor M: Fear only exists when you deem it to be. Events happen for a reason, but the ultimate cause does not come from fear.

Melvin: Whatever.

Doctor M: Good. Let's stop for now.

Labels: Entry 37, Interview Log 3

Entry 36 - Interview Log #2

Extracts of 2nd interview with patient in asylum

Doctor M: So Melvin, let's continue from where we ended in the last session.

Melvin: Sure.

Doctor M: How long do you think you will stay in this asylum?

Melvin: I don't know it myself. Waiting for someone to discharge me?

Doctor M: You think you need more professional help than this?

Melvin: I don't think so. Self-admitting in here is good enough I guess.

Doctor M: Right. Do you want to tell me what are you expecting?

Melvin: I was expecting something to happen, something that I thought I can help and salvage. But right now, I guess nothing will happen at all. At this moment.

Doctor M: Right. Let's stop the discussion for now.

Labels: Entry 36, Interview Log 2

Entry 35 - Interview Log #1

Extracts of 1st interview with patient in asylum

Doctor M: Good day, how would you like me to address you?

Patient M: ...

Doctor M: You gotta talk, so that I can help you.

Patient M: Melvin. Or you can call me Nilvem. HAHAHA! It's the both sides of me, you know.

Doctor M: Right. I'll call you Melvin then. Do you know why are you in this asylum?

Melvin: I've self-admitted in here. I need to be on rehab. I need to be kept under observation. I, I, I. It's all about ME.

Doctor M: Hmmm. That's all for today, Melvin. We shall chat more next time round.

Labels: Entry 35, Interview Log 1

Entry 34 - Inevitable

When you least expect it to come, you can drift yourself away with distractions.

When you think the old pictures are gone for good, new scenes appear so real once again.

Inevitable.

When they come in the form of dreams.

Labels: Entry 34, Inevitable

Entry 33 - 立正

人在做，天在看
坐地直，站地正

不怕闲言闲语在煽风点火

Labels: Entry 33, 立正

Entry 32 - Kite

When the kite goes out in the open,
the hands releases it to float up.

When the kite flies up in the air,
the string holds it back from getting too far.

When the kite fumbles in the gale,
the mind is confused on whether to release or pull.

Labels: Entry 32, Kite

Entry 31 - 明白

渐渐的，我好像明白其中的道理。

Labels: Entry 31, 明白

Name: Melvin Guo
Location: Singapore
Date of Birth: 19 July

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- Trip to Hong Kong
- Trip to Taiwan
- Trip to Japan
- Tattoo
- Lasik
- 70kg
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Leo | Kenzo | Shah | Philip | KS |

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